Raccoons I Have Loathed

Like Elly May Clampett, I like critters, otherwise I wouldn't have allowed my sons to bring salamanders, hamsters, hermit crabs, rabbits, dogs, cats, lambs, fish, iguanas, hedge hogs, snakes, and butterflies into the house. However, it's the uninvited critters that I have a problem with. Up until a few years ago, I thought of raccoons as cute, curious creatures that ran along streams and slept in hollow trees.

And in some cases, the little bandits also make interesting pets. One spring a windstorm knocked down a large cottonwood tree in the front yard of the farm and my mother-in-law became the surrogate mother of two raccoons, Roly and Poly. They even sat on her lap and drank from baby bottles. Another raccoon turned up in her care years later when it fell through a trap door in the barn. Rascal also became a fixture in the farmhouse. Now remember, these creatures were guests. Not like the female raccoon who invited herself into our home about five years ago.

This raccoon would sneak into our old farmhouse through a variety of ways. If the kids left the basement door open, this critter would come up the stairs and help herself to the dog's food. One night I was awakened by the sounds of something fooling around with my water glass on the night stand beside my bed. Sitting up suddenly in bed, I saw a shadowy creature run across the bedroom floor and scurry off towards the attic door. The raccoon had gained entry into my bedroom through a broken cupola window. What nerve!

This same raccoon had taken up residence in the attic of our neighbor's garage where she had a litter of four little raccoons. For some reason, my house became her grocery store. We tried everything to catch her or prevent her from getting in: a humane cage with marshmallows and even fish to attract her (no go); locking the doors (she slipped in through the gaps between the gutters and attic of our 140-year-old home. One day while making lunch I heard an odd sound up above me head; the raccoon had gotten into the false ceiling in the kitchen and was scrambling around over my head. Taking a broom, I pounded on the tiled ceiling in attempt to scare her out. I think I achieved my objective of scaring her as a thin stream of urine began trickling through the ceiling! Needless-to-say, I was livid (and wet)!

After the neighbor had successfully rousted the raccoon's brood out of his garage, the strong-minded animal snuck across the street and ensconced herself in the garage of another neighbor. This residential-loving animal was making enemies left and right in our little rural neighborhood. In fact, we had an all points bulletin out on this animal: if you see her on the road, speed up and aim true.

And again, I do love animals, but there should be a line drawn between then and our living accommodations. I am not willing to share my home with a foraging and urinating raccoon. Anyway, the problem was taken care of by the end of the summer when someone speeding down our road happened to strike the raccoon as she was making her way back to the neighbor's garage - probably after robbing the dog dish again!