The Simple Life

Men begin sticking together at an early age. Just yesterday my youngest son interupted my daily tirade about the male sex participating in the act of housekeeping.

He said woman were too complicated and men could get by on the basic necessities: pizza, microwave popcorn, Mountain Dew, and TV. As I cleaned the blobs of jelly and peanut butter off of the counter, I asked him who would pick up after them? A maid?

No, he said. They would nag too much. Instead they would get a female robot, one who would clean and ask no questions or offer any opinions. I guess he's thinking more along the lines of the Fembots that appear on Austin Powers instead of Rosie from the Jetsons. While Rosie was a devoted domestic servant, she also sported an attitude and wasn't afraid to put in her two cents.

While I had to laugh at his simplistic solution to male bliss, deep inside I wondered if all men take us wives for granted or that we could so easily be replaced. To find the answer to this question I have decided to conduct a little experiment of my own. Next week when I go shopping I will fill my cart only with microwave popcorn (the unbuttered variety), pizza (the cheap cardboard variety that they sell 8 for $10) and generic Mountain Dew. When they tire of this lavish fare and ask for a home-cooked meal, I will simply reply - let your robot do it.

Looking for Love in All the WRONG Places

No lie. I honestly heard this on the news this morning but after a fruitless search on the Internet I am beginning to wonder if I was half asleep on the drive to work.

According to CBS news, bachelor farmers in the Netherlands have come up with an innovative way to look for love. Is it a chat room or dating site for the lovelorn Dutch? No. They've decided it would be a good idea to post their images on......milk cartons. What?? Think folks. Where do most people find little cartons of milk? In grade schools! Imagine the puzzled look on the faces of elementary school children as they gaze at the mugs of grizzled bachelors and their list of attributes: "Hi, I'm Lars. I like moonlight strolls in the pasture and big bear hugs and foot rubs."

This is a half-baked idea that's bound to crash and burn...or in this case, sour and curdle.

Two-Faced Calf is a Star!

Just when you thought you saw it all: two-headed turtles, a seven-legged deer and a cat who does dishes (I made that one up, but a girl can dream, can't she?) along comes Star the two-headed calf that was born Dec. 27 at the Kirk Heldreth farm in Virginia. Already a month old, the little heifer continues to thrive.

Perhaps its due to the "star" treatment she's been getting from her owners, who admit to cradling the calf during feeding time. Despite her malformed mouth, Star has been feeding from a bottle with gusto. According to an Associated Press story, Heldreth had considered donating the calf to Virginia Tech for scientific purposes, or even selling her for show, but he'd rather keep her around awhile to see how she does.

He admits that his family have grown too attached to her to let her become a display piece. And why not? What kid wouldn't want to take a two-faced calf to school for Show and Tell? That would totally rock!! In fact, the family doesn't even have to cart the calf off anywhere to get attention. According to Heldreth, at least 40 to 50 visitors a day roll into the farmyard at his southwest Virginia farm to get a look at the little star.

While the calf manages to handle a nipple with her one upper jaw and two lower jaws, Heldreth is unsure whether or not the calf will be able to handle eating solids like grain and hay. But the farmer says she's a tough customer and has already defied the odds.

Another Good Farm Dog Bites the Dust

Yes, that's Bandit our border collie, who tolerates almost anything even his bunny friend Snowball hanging out on top of him. Please don't interpret the look on his face as humiliation, rather resignation to the good life as a house dog.

In his previous life, he was a farm dog living at the Mark Navis farm west of Waupun. Bandit and his dog friends were 'hired' to round up Mark's herd of Holstein cattle. But because of Bandit's Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, he was ruining the work ethic of his four-legged co-workers and needed to find another home. You see, Bandit is forever stuck on one channel: he has an obsession with rolling balls. When I visited the Navis farm in June 2004 after the large milking barn had been hit by a tornado, there was Bandit sitting in the garage among the scores of volunteers and news media, nudging his ball with his nose to anyone game enough to play.

Maybe his disorder is a good thing, since it wiped out the memory of the barn collapsing over his head. When I spied an ad in the paper for a border collie that could roll a ball I had a feeling it was Bandit. Sure enough. I dialed the number and told them I would be there. At first the Navis family changed their minds (the little boys couldn't part with him just yet). A couple of months later the phone rang and I set out to get our new dog.

One problem: Bandit was totally opposed to riding in a vehicle. Donning heavy work gloves, we cajoled him, blind-folded him and finally got him in the crate. When I told Mark he was going to be an inside dog, he just looked at me and laughed. Seconds after we reached home, Bandit was on the living room floor in his new home rolling his ball.

Since he's been at our house, my young son has taught him to look forward to rides in the car. He's got the potty-training thing down and knows the couch is off limits. He's also learned that the veterinarian's office isn't a fun place to visit. He's already been to the dog groomers (only cause he tries to bite) and has won a blue ribbon at the Fond du Lac County Fair. He enjoys visiting our farm but would rather run up to the house to see if my father-in-law would like to throw the ball a few hundred times.

Bandit has also decided that I'm his girlfriend (or the sucker of the house); putting his paw on my shoulder and laying his head on my chest, gazing soulfully into my eyes - beseeching me to scratch his ears. Thinking I must be his favorite person in the house (I know better that honor belongs to our youngest son) I am crushed each time he runs away to get his ball - sure that he has buttered me up for a few more rounds of catch.

Everyone tells me that Border Collies are one of the smartest breeds and can be taught almost anything. Unfortunately for Bandit he never got beyond the second chapter in his ABC's lesson (B is for ball!)

Cold As Ice

For all you folks who love the beautiful clarity of ice clinging from the rafters or along the edges of half-frozen streams...these crystalline beauties may not conjure up such nostalgic memories for some people.

And no, I'm not talking about kids like Ralphie, you know, the main character from the Christmas Story movie who tried to place the blame for his broken eye-glasses (it was the Red Ryder) on the evil icicle. Although I did have a neighbor who ripped the skin off her tongue from trying to lick one of those things after snapping it off the doghouse out back - but that's another story.

No. My husband tells me of one cold winter when the old well in the barn couldn't keep up with the demand and the only immediate source of water for the herd was Parson's Creek, a little stream about a 100-feet from the buildings. Of course, it was one of the coldest winters in a long time and chopping through the ice wasn't the easiest task. While we didn't tote the water to the cows using 5 gallon pails (each cow drinks about a bathtub full of water each day) we did finally resort to having a tanker bring in water for the next month until the new well was drilled.

Til this day, my husband cannot comprehend the thrill ice fisherman feel in chopping through the ice and sitting around a hole (on the cold ice) for hours.

The Great Aspargus Debate

For years rural landowners including farmers have weighed in on the great aspargus debate. Did their city counterparts have the right to traipse along their ditches and snatch their tender green shoots of aspargus from right under their noses?

I guess that depends which side of the issue you side with. Since the local government has control over the right of way along roadways, does that mean all taxpayers (who support that govt. through their taxes) have the green light to forage the ditches for aspargus even though rural landowners argue that they pay taxes right up to the centerline and should be the collector of all the spoils including the aspargus, ragweed and discarded tires.

I have even seen some landowners actually confront the 'trespassing pickers' and order them off their 'property'. If you have seen the ditches of some stretches of roadway, there are literally paths worn in the weeds from one stand of aspargus to the other. While some folks can't tell the fronds of an aspargus plant from goldenrod, some wily natural gardeners have scouted out the good spots in the fall, relying on the sight of the telltale tall, ferny-looking fronds come late summer. Either they have a good memory or a secret system like the hobos used to tell a generous household from one that housed a rolling pin wielding housewife...some folks just seem to know where to zero in come spring just in time to find the tender spears peeking out of the soil.

Even though our kids didn't like aspargus, they did take issue with those pickers who had the audacity to order them off of our own property. Their solution? Make signs warning folks of the dangers of poison ivy. Did it stop the interlopers from getting our aspargus? Not really, but the kids enjoyed beating them to the punch by getting there first until I came up with our rule: what is picked must be eaten. By the end of the growing season my husband couldn't look at another spear of aspargus.

Is there any sight lonelier than an empty barn?

Back when my mother was a little girl growing up on a dairy farm out near Dotyville, the rural landscape was dotted with a number of working farms. Today you can drive down those same roads and see countless barns standing empty – devoid of any sign of life or activity.

Gone are the days when you could make a living on a herd of 35 cows. Now the average farm has at least 100 animals and growing all the time. Just 10 miles north, south and west of Grandpa’s farm are three “mega farms” that milk hundreds of cows three times a day.

The latest herd count by the Wisconsin Department of Agriculture indicates the number of people leaving dairy farming is slowing up a bit. According to their numbers, Wisconsin only lost nine dairy herds last month during the first week in January. Currently there are 14,396 herds milking in the state.

As I pass by those barns that were once a hive of activity during the harvest and milking time, it’s hard not to feel a bit of sadness for the passing of a way of life: the small family farm with its small herd of cows, handful of pigs, a flock of chicken and a large garden out in the backyard. Grandpa’s red barn is long gone, but I can still see my cousins doing somersaults off of the thick, hand-hewn beams into the loft filled with loose straw or us kids trying to coax a tune out of the dusty, old player piano that was stored in the old granary next to Grandpa’s old Edsel.

That old barn was a treasure trove of fun for us city kids. And it was a great place to go if you needed time to think. Today I still love to escape up into the haymow of our old barn or spend a moment sitting in the manger of the old milking barn, listening to the cows contentedly chewing their cud. It’s such a peaceful, unhurried place (after milking time, of course) in this hurry-up world. Unfortunately these once-stately icons of rural America are falling into disrepair or simply disappearing.

Diet Pills for Dogs Causes Stink

Last week, the Food and Drug Administration approved the first-ever diet pill for dogs. Slentrol, produced by Pfizer Inc., is a response to increasing dog obesity. Just one look at the doggie snack aisle laden with treats that resemble colored play dough, it’s no wonder that Fido is packing on the pounds.

Just in case you might want to try Slentrol yourself, the FDA warns that humans may experience a few nasty side effects like diarrhea, vomiting, headache and flatulence. But hey, farting has actually made some dogs famous. Take Walter the Farting Dog, a storybook canine created by William Kotzwinkle. This chubby canine has a gi-normous gas problem, reeking up the home of his newly adopted family and anywhere else Walter ventures.

But there’s a bright side. His ‘habit’ helps him to redeem his gaseous self by saving the day. In his first literary adventure, he gases out burglars and helps to catch bank robbers in the second book. In his third venture, Walter is desperate to rid himself of his flatulence dilemma and consents to a scientific gadget designed by Professor Kompressor. Well, to make a long story short, the potions and such don’t rid Walter of his problem. In fact, he’s so full of pent-up gas that he becomes airborne. Walter again saves the day when he rescues millions of butterflies from a freezing windstorm by letting rip a warm cloud of air that melts the frost off their wings. (But wouldn’t the butterflies die from the stench?). *

So, if you happen to ingest your tubby terrier’s Slentrol, don’t worry. Like Walter, with a few twists, turns, and farts later, things will all work out fine.

* For all of you old school readers, remember when kids were forbidden to utter the word fart in school? Now kids are checking out books like “Walter the Farting Dog” and “Captain Underpants and the Perilous Plot of Professor Poopypants” (ah yes, author Dave Pilkey’s CU series features the Wicked Wedgie Woman”, “The Bionic Booger Boy” and “The Purple Potty People”.)

Is it warm or is it just me?

Of course it's warm outside. Anyone with half of brain can figure out something peculiar is going on this winter. While many doomsayers are claiming fallout from global warming, area weather experts have pointed the finger at another phenomenon - El Nino. You know, the abnormal warming of equatorial waters in the tropical Pacific Ocean that affects the jet streams around the globe?

Well, if that means keeping the colder Arctic air up in Canada, I'm all for it. Who couldn't use a little relief on their home heating bill? This way we can keep the thermostat down under 60 degrees (my husband's idea of the perfect temperature).

By looking at the garden and area farm fields, if you didn't have access to a calendar, you could almost imagine that a visit by the Easter Bunny wasn't too far off. My succulent plants still look great and some alfalfa plants out in the field even show a little bit of growth.

But you know, I wouldn't mind a nice, pristine white blanket of snow, about 6 inches thick. Besides covering up the blah landscape, it would provide a security blanket for those cover crops in case the temperatures decide to plunge below zero. And with most of January and all of February and March ahead of us, don't be surprised if you're digging out your snow shovel and thermal underwear before long.

Farm Field Trips Are Worth the Hassle

When our oldest sons attended school in Fond du Lac, we were the only farm family in the entire student body at Evans and Franklin Elementary Schools. Thus we were prime candidates (or targets) for eager teachers looking for a hands-on field trip to the farm. After saying yes and breaking the news to my husband, we began the furious task of readying the home farm for a band of rambunctious kindergarten and first grade students.

After cleaning the parlor, hitching up a hay wagon, germinating a handful of oat seeds, gathering several varieties of grains and forage products and rounding up the unwilling farm animals including an ornery goose, chickens, rabbits, calves, lambs and what not, we were ready.

What we couldn't clean up or hide, was the natural smells emanating from the farm. It's hard to find a big enough air freshener to disguise the organic perfume of 500 cows! And the reactions were predictable: "Ewwww, what's that smell?" "Gross!" We expected that from the kids but some of the adult chaperones were another story. One astute teacher replied to her students with great aplomb "If you've got animals, kids, you're going to have smells. Get used to it."

Once they got past that first hurdle, they were in heaven. Climbing up into the cab of the tractor like it was the greatest vehicle on earth or thrusting the nipple of an oversized bottle into the mouth of an eager calf (by then the kids couldn't have cared less about a little slobber getting on their hands). After downing an ice cream cone (with clean hands, of course) they migrated to the hill on the front lawn and entertained themselves by rolling down the hill, playing tag or throwing stones into the creek- simple games that kids in generations past have amused themselves with for years. Miles away from video games and television sets, these city kids were having more fun doing simple things than if they had booked a trip to Noah's Ark or Great America.

And guess what? They got an education in the process. Driving past many of the farms dotting the landscape in Fond du Lac and Dodge County these city children can now tell their parents and siblings just how those cows make milk, what kind of crops are growing in the field and what machinery is used to harvest them. The origin of their food is no longer a mystery. Although it's a fun place to visit, they know that a farm is a business and sometimes dangerous place.

Growing up on the farm, our sons sometimes felt out of the loop with their city classmates. But when fieldtrip day came, they became resident experts; showing their friends how to put on milk machines or how to handle a lamb or cradle a young chick in their hands. By the end of the day, I think they gained a greater appreciation for their unique lifestyle.

And my hat is off to folks like Waupun FFA Advisor Tari Costello and her students who host the annual Day on the Farm for hundreds of grade school children each year. They are well-organized, knowledgeable and are the best advertisement and educators for the farm industry anywhere. Keep up the good work. Like I said, it's worth the hassle especially when you are able to plant seeds of knowledge on such fertile ground.

I promise not to do anything dumb like this in 2007

When New Year's day rolls around, people have to go and spoil it all by asking the dreaded question, "So, what are your New Year's resolutions?" While some folks are convinced that going on record will hold them to their newly forged promises (who doesn't fear public humiliation?), isn't a New Year's resolution something that goes in one Year and out the other?

Well, maybe it's time to try good, old-fashioned honesty. Fellow blogger Dave a Midwest farmer intentionally sets the bar at a level that assures him of resolution success. Take a look.

"Smoke and drink more, gain weight, miss the market highs, not take a vacation or read most of the books that I have bought, forego the restoration project on the old 72 pickup…or start one of the other project vehicles that are in line, not get my barn all cleaned up and organized, not make it to the meetings around the country that I have been missing the last three years and assuring others that I would be attending."

I asked a few elementary school kids what resolutions they were going to adhere to in the coming year. After explaining what a resolution was, I got the most interesting answers.

1) wear clean underwear to school in case my pants split open in gym

2) make sure the teacher isn't looking when I hit the bully back on the playground

3) do what my mom says before she yanks the plug out of the wall (hmmmm, less TV?)

4) try at least one new food this year that isn't green

Along that optimistic vein, my husband and I have decided to come up with a few 'doable' resolutions of our own:

1) save trees and our time by placing all UNOPENED junk mail right in the recycling bin including sales flyers.
2) resist the urge to answer the telephone when it rings during mealtime. After all, answering machines do have a purpose other than annoying callers.

3) have a conversation once a week that isn't interrupted by telemarketers, children, pets, salesmen at the door, and doesn't include anecdotes from our jobs.

4) resist ordering a McSlurry at the drive-up window at McDonalds (this is husband's vow)

5) not go to another movie about penguins for another 5 years

6) try to find something to smile about each day...even if it's a joke I've heard before.