A Farmer in Love: A reality check.

I wonder how many men will be popping the question on Valentine’s Day this week. Just this week Farmer’s Almanac published a list of romantic ways men could ask for their lady’s hand in marriage. However, I don’t think they had the typical farmer in mind. Compare their smarmy suggestions to the stark reality of being hooked-up with a romantically and creatively-challenged farmer (in bold type).

• Go skip stones at a nearby lake. When you get to the last one, let her know that you have one rock left. Then, pull out the ring. Accidentally toss the ring in the lake and ask her to go fetch it.

• Etch your love in chalk on the sidewalk that’s in front of her house. Include a line that says, “Check your mailbox.” Put the ring (or note) in there. Cannot find any chalk except for the bright orange tail-chalk marker left in his pocket.

• Send her by mail or e-mail an invitation to an engagement party. The invitation should invite her (and only her) to spend the rest of her life with you. He doesn’t even know your address let alone wants to go to any party.

• Record a video of yourself proposing to her. Convert the video to a DVD (there are many services that can do this for you) and tell her you rented a movie for the night. Then, put the DVD in the DVD player and see her reaction. The only person highlighted in his video is Bret Favre and the Packers – featured on the entire last football season.

• Put the ring someplace common in her house- this might be in the silverware drawer, in the butter dish, or even tied to the pantry knob with a note attached that says, "Will you marry me?" He would definitely pick the junk drawer (the black hold of every kitchen) where things as big as a hammer have vanished.

• Bring in the local paper and nonchalantly ask, "Do you think we should announce our engagement in the paper?" When your soon-to-be fiance realizes what you've said, take the ring out of your pocket. He never even knew there were other sections in the paper beyond the Sports and market reports, let alone a social events section.

• Make a paper or online album of your relationship, with pictures of the two of you during important moments, and on the second to last page write "what will the future bring?" and on the last page write "how about marriage?" You’ve got to be kidding. If this even existed, it would include romantic images of the two of you pulling a calf out of the manure pit, handing him tools while he’s under a tractor fixing a broken part or castrating lambs together.

• Give her a book of love poetry. Glue most of the pages so they are stuck together. Then, leave a slot cut out and place the engagement ring inside. While I am sure gluing the pages together would work, the poetry on the other hand might be interesting. A farmer might issue this poetic declaration of love: Roses are red, manure is brown. You’re the hardest-working girl I’ve seen around.